not the bird

you know what sucks hard? meeting someone you think you have real chemistry with only for that person to already be taken. knowing that nothing can happen because they already have a fancy doctor husband spouse of undetermined occupation or sex… this is a most unpleasant situation to find yourself in. really, it’s enough to make a man listen to a sad song on repeat for days on end like a little emo bitch.

sike! can’t call me emo if it’s a stones song.

last week, i met a woman at a friend’s wedding i was in. she mentioned her husband shortly after we introduced ourselves, and i dropped whatever pretense i had of hitting on her. there was no trying to be funny or charming; just nod and smile in between attempts at getting the cocktail server’s attention for another bourbon.

we were in a small group of people and drifted in and out of conversation with each other, but it became clear that this wasn’t some random at a wedding that i was talking to just to prevent boredom. this was someone i could actually have fun with at an event that is largely made up of prolonged seriousness, crying and misguided speeches (not mine, obviously. my toast was great. everyone said so- just ask them).

i gave her shit about one thing, she gave it right back. i made a graphic comment about the local seafood offerings, she took it three steps further and even added a twist involving nicolas cage and a water buffalo. this woman didn’t just have a personality. she had a borderline sick sense of humor, supreme confidence and seemed like just enough of a wildcard that it made her interesting. she was exactly my type.

all things considered, i spent a relatively small amount of time with her over the course of a 24 hour period, and without getting into all the other details of the weekend, my initial reaction the night i met her was right on. she was most definitely a catch, and had she not been married, i would currently be re-writing the 73rd draft of my first post-wedding text to her. probably would’ve been something really cool and sexy, too.

start with an extra smooth intro, like:

“hey, what’s up?”

followed by:

“so how was your flight?”

and then bring it all home with a playful comment to show her there’s a sense of humor behind this smoldering exterior of manliness:

“checking luggage- ha, tell me about it!”

the start of a beautiful romance. unfortunately for me, i never got a chance to say goodbye to her, which for some reason left me a little bummed out. i blame it on the last song played by the dj, which got not one but two full spins before the lights came up.

so what is this rambling downer of a post? i’ll tell you what it is not- it is most definitely not lasers. we don’t usually do “serious” at b.r., so i’ll ignore my own question and end it with this, the best advice a man can get, from the dude in red: