december is a great movie-watching month, especially for old school favorites like white christmas, christmas vacation, the highly underrated the apartment, just friends, die hard 1 & 2, phish’s bittersweet motel, love actually, and of course home alone and home alone 2. i’m sure i’m missing a ton that some of you watch but these are generally my go-to’s.

something has always bothered me about the home alone franchise,  though. the first is an all-time classic. really original, great cast, feel-goodery all around. the second is basically a shot-for-shot remake only with some gross pigeon lady subbing in for old man marley as the film’s creep du jour. nevertheless, it’s still a good sequel and i’ll never replace it from the annual christmas viewing list.

as you probably know, none of the original cast returned to cap off what should have been one of the best trilogies of cinematic history. i’ve certainly never seen it, nor do i plan to, but scrolling through it’s wikipedia page i saw that john hughes -the creator of the first two- actually wrote and produced the third film, which i was surprised at. he clearly just did it for the money, as the plot description makes it seem like he came up with a storyline that he thought would get him fired, only the studio just wanted to slap the franchise tag on whatever they were given while the unwashed masses swarmed to theaters and the fat cats at 20th century fox laughed all the way to the bank. see for yourself:

Peter Beaupre, Alice Ribbons, Burton Jernigan, and Earl Unger, four internationally wanted criminals working for a North Korean terrorist group, have stolen a US$10 million missile cloaking computer chip.

that is the first sentance of the plot description! this is not the home alone i grew up on. not even close. this is a bastardized version of a john woo film crossed with whatever company makes those van wilder sequels every other year. sweet jesus. i could come up with a better movie than that. hell, i have come up with a better movie than that.

home alone deserves a proper bookend to its trilogy, and that’s what i’m going to give you. i’ll post the real home alone 3 sometime this week, and maybe we can have some closure, even if it is 20 year too late.

ps how badass is the end of the church scene in the first film when he asks old man marley what he’s going to do, marley says “we’ll see,” kevin says “merry christmas” and sprints home with carol of the bells playing?

this bad ass: